Everyone knows that there is no period of practice and a final exam that guarantees us having all the necessary knowledge to be a good father or mother . Even whether or not to be a good father, depending on whom, would be a source of discussion, since it is obvious that each one will have a different interpretation of this concept. Be that as it may, it is true that there are certain variables that every parent should consider and take into account since the relationship, especially during the first years of life, is of great importance from a psychological point of view.
To all the difficulties that exist for each one is added the fact that, increasingly, it becomes more difficult to combine work, family and social world. The education of children is very often in the hands of others and the hours that many families share are few. Despite this, the quality of the relationship between children and parents does not have to be affected, since sometimes it is more important to spend quality time with the children versus the amount of time with them.
7 tips about our behavior as parents towards our children
- Learn to plan your time in such a way that you have time with your children without there being any other obligations, for example of work type. Also, if you have more than one child, it is important to share family time, but it also favors minors by offering time individually . Each child is unique , so knowing them and allowing their individual development, avoiding comparisons with the other, will favor the evolution and development of their personality.
- From the moment the child is born, it is important to transmit our affection and attention to him , since this helps him to gain confidence, increase his interest in his surroundings and encourage him to explore the world safely. In addition, from birth, creating a positive bond with them will favor emotional balance since it allows them to express their feelings and promote a healthier relationship.
- Mark limits and norms to get children to learn what is right and what is wrong, as well as what to do to control themselves when they feel frustrated when they cannot get what they want. Setting standards allows minors to know the correct way to act and, consequently, the benefits of this or its negative repercussions. All this helps to develop the child’s maturity, as well as the acquisition of responsibilities , since knowing the pros and cons of their decision-making they exercise their own choice and therefore their freedom.
- Differentiate between behaviors, that is, what children do and their own person or personality. It is not the same to say to a child “you are bad” (it attacks his self-esteem directly), than to say “what you have done is wrong” (behavior) . The behavior is modifiable, we are all wrong, but this does not make us bad people, that is why it is important to know how to differentiate these concepts because if not, we will be contributing to the fact that the child generates low self-esteem.
- We must be consistent and coherent, both with the established norms and with the existing sanctions if these are not complied with. It is also essential that both parents agree on them and work together for compliance. Discrepancies between adults must always be resolved in the absence of minors , in order to maintain the coherence of what is established before them.
Often the tiredness or exhaustion of the day ends up causing us to allow inadmissible behaviors in minors who perhaps would be cared for and punished at another time, we must pay attention to it because otherwise the minors will take advantage of these opportunities.
- Generate a climate where communication exists and where problems are solved from tranquility and not from a tense environment. Developing our problem-solving skills , as well as the ability to negotiate, helps to be more effective in resolving conflicts. At this point it is important to highlight that there are different educational styles on the part of the parents, and that each of them will generate some consequences or others in the family environment.
Parents with an authoritarian style will demand compliance with their rules without being interested in the child’s needs; Parents with a permissive style will prioritize their children’s wishes over any norm; while parents with a democratic style will know how to attend to the needs of their children as well as compliance with the rules, which is why the latter educational style will yield the most benefits, as it will promote the development of the child’s maturity as well as ensure that feel understood.
- We are an example for them, so we must be good role models to achieve positive learning. We must know that we are not the only ones, because teachers, friends and idols will also mark a lot of the learning they carry out. Explaining the why of the desired behaviors as well as being consistent and carrying out what we demand will increase the probability of their acquisition. As an example, if I ask my son not to hit, shout or have aggressive behaviors but at home, either towards them or at the couple level, they observe such behaviors, it will be incongruous for the minor.
These are some tips that the child psychologists consider important to keep in mind, as their good practice not only improves the child’s development, but also fosters a better family climate where the development of new skills and acquisition is promoted of positive resources for the minor.
Do you see yourself reflected in some of these behaviors?
Additional Tips to Calmly Treat our Children
When we live in a stressful situation, it is very difficult to stay calm, but not doing it can be counterproductive with the education we want to give our little ones, since their state of mind can depend a lot on how ours is.
Tips to stay calm and manage our energy
- Act with the utmost consistency and continually abide by clear and consistent rules.
- Use praise when children do things right or at least try and we feel happy.
- Anticipate and prevent difficult and / or conflict situations, not “educate on the go”.
- Seek the son’s involvement in his own education.
- Give very clear instructions and guidelines from the calm, p. ex. “It’s time to sleep”.
- Let the child know what we want or what exactly we expect him to do briefly. “Please put the clothes in your closet.”
- Offer small prizes earned by your effort instead of punishments: “When you have collected your toys, you can have an ice cream.”
- Live good moments together , not just obligations.
- Be aligned with our partner in the decisions we make about our children.
- Exchange impressions on topics in which we need to relax with other families, teachers….
In addition, children imitate our behavior by copying these types of reactions instead of other more adaptive ones that are what they should be learning. Why is it important to stay calm in the face of problems? What message are we conveying to our children if we are unable to control our moods in the face of conflict?
As fathers and mothers we are the main models that behave with emotional intelligence , it is important to be a reference for our children in managing emotions and in conflict resolution.
How should we address our children, with what attitude (body, gaze, tone of voice)?
The tone of voice will be soft, the locution rhythm not too fast, the gaze directed at our children , breathing deeply and that our body is not in tension. The most convenient gestures are “open” gestures (such as “open arms”) positions in which “we do not protect our body” nor are we creating barriers.
Do children copy our moods?
Children imitate our behavior patterns derived from our moods. Depending on their character, they will react in one way or another, but our imprint is always present in their experiences, especially in the early years.
Children complain that their parents do not listen to them, is it true that we do not listen enough to our children?
Family communication is closely related to Active Listening . Education also consists of children knowing how to communicate what they dislike without bothering anyone, with assertiveness. The fact that they are able to acquire a unique personality and their own criteria implies that we actively listen to their daily experiences. It is necessary that they perceive: “I am listening, I am interested in what you think and say” .
Door openers are invitations to say more, to share ideas and feelings, which tell children that we are really listening to them with interest, that their ideas are important and that they are accepted and respected. What are they and how can we introduce them in our conversations?
Help them “realize” what they feel, the emotion that arises within them.
Encourage them to develop empathy , take an interest in what others feel, in what they do.
Encourage self-control of those emotions that cause a negative feeling in yourself or in others.
Help them develop their social skills to promote relationships with others and conflict resolution for themselves.